Bethany Fleck Dillen - The Journey

Giving a TEDx talk is on my bucket list but seemed improbable. I was encouraged to apply in 2020 and chose not to. I balked at the idea. Taking on something so big amid the already overwhelming life I was living was too daunting. I am a mother of two wonderful young girls. I work full-time as a professor. I teach a heavy load of courses, and I have a productive line of research. Oh yeah, and it was in the middle of a global pandemic. So, no, I did not apply. I was upset. I hate to miss a great opportunity.
I didn’t realize there would be another event this year. When I opened the email that contained the call for proposals, I deleted it again! Real emotions like self-doubt and inadequacy were taking charge. The pandemic has created stress in everyone’s lives and in many ways. I am on a journey learning how to take care of myself. I have learned some excellent coping skills and some bad ones. What has always helped me is exercise. Exercise is a priority and quite frankly, keeps me sane.
During a lunch break workout session, I took an intense ride on my Peloton with a favorite instructor, Robin Arzon. She stood up off her bike, looked me dead in the eye, and said, “Replace ‘what if?’ with ‘why not me?’.” She says many more brilliant and motivating things, but this one got to me. Why not me? When the ride was over, I dug up the TEDx email, read the proposal requirements, and completed it that night. It felt impulsive but exciting.
A couple of weeks later, the producers notified me that I would be one of the speakers. I was thrilled and proud of myself for even trying. However, within a week I returned to self-doubt, and I am struggling with this still. The crux of my anxiety is not public speaking or a lack of confidence in my topic. What is difficult is learning how to deliver my talk the TEDx way. TEDx talks are very different from research talks or class lectures, which I can do no problem. With TEDx you use no notes. You cannot memorize. The producers say the delivery of your talk should be like chatting with your best friend over coffee. Okay, but my best friend does not know about my research or the psychological constructs I am studying. Why would she? I don’t talk about work much, so I started to. I tell people more about what I do and why it’s important. I make my family sit and listen to me stumble through practice runs of my talk. Each time I give it, it’s different. My ideas are morphing, I’m fine-tuning, and sure enough, the sense of being overwhelmed is starting to dwindle. I have work to do, but I am excited to take it on. I am looking forward to standing on the TEDx stage. I know that if I can get it right, I might see change, actual change, for struggling mothers. “Why not me” but also, “If not me, then who?”